The Ugly Truth – graphic

Hello friends…and new friends – happy June, happy summer weather! It’s finally here, and the big question is, is your beach body here as well? If you’re nodding your head – a big round of applause for you! As for the rest of us, well, we’ve got a lifetime of work to do then right?! Brace yourselves, this may be a long one J

Since January, I’ve had very little if not zero progress on the fit life journey post new year’s resolution. I was unexcusably consumed with other priorities in my life that left very little room for exercise and self-care. I ate horribly and when I had any leisure time, I was emotionally and psychologically drained to worry about macros and kilos. So my weight steadily climbed and declined randomly in the last couple of months – what was actually going on was a huge retirement party for my parents, so between heading that project and trying to look on-point for the big day was a continuous battle. At 2.5 weeks prior to the event I went on a mad crash diet. My routine consisted of a high abundance of caffeine for energy, gallons of water for fulfillment and hydration, no carbs, salads and veggie sandwiches, and fruits to keep my glycemic index in check (I did binge eat a couple bites of protein here and there – hey, just trying to keep it true).

I had lost about 8-9 lbs (of water weight J ) by the time the party rolled around. My custom made dress fit rather comfortably, but not as beautifully as it was meant to. It no longer hugged my body in all of the right places – thank god for accent belts! Anyway, I was proud, I felt good – and hungry (lol), and it was kind of a success if you ask me. But then, the party was over and the pictures emerged!  It was pretty bad – pretty ugly. Made me sick to my stomach actually. And although I’ve known for a long time now that I’m quite over weight, seeing pictures really brought the issues to light.

It is now almost 3 wks post party, I’m happy to say I didn’t gain back the weight, perhaps a lb here and there on a bad day, but for the most part, the scale has stayed consistent. I figure this is the best opportunity to really fine tune my goals and reflect on how I got here and where I want to go.

Back story – If you’ve read my previous blogs before, you know that I have a thyroid condition. Originally I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid (@ 15), but as I aged, it quickly transformed into hypo. So throughout my teenage and adulthood, my weight fluctuated ginormously. But I was young, my metabolism was still easily manipulated and I was able to lose weight whenever I wanted, however I wanted. When I met my husband, I was wavering between a size 3-5. Well, as you can imagine, self-control went out the door once we got married. At my heaviest, I was almost 5x the size that I was before – after 1 triplet pregnancy, 1 singleton, and 1 twin pregnancy. All within a 6 year time frame.

So why did I let myself go that far? I really don’t know. Comfort, laziness, will power? Don’t get me wrong, I struggled, I was depressed, and I faced insult after insult. I hated looking myself in the mirror every morning. I hated taking off my clothes and seeing what was beneath. I was ALWAYS crabby because I could never find anything to wear, or rather, anything to fit into. I never went out – I hated social gatherings, never because I disliked people or was snotty, but no one knew I was fighting my own demons. Lacking self-esteem for the body that I neglected. If people didn’t see me, I wouldn’t have to worry about being judged –  by other wives, cousins, aunts and uncles, friends – old and new. The only people that ever really got to see me were very close friends and relatives that I couldn’t cut off, few were beyond my control, and the others, well, I knew they wouldn’t judge me.  You’d think that all the insults would motivate me, but it did and it didn’t. I learned the hard way that it never works when you’re fighting for all the wrong reasons.

Recognizing – I was an overeater. Even if I was full to the rim, I wanted to keep eating, because it was either my favorite food, there was only a small amount left, I’m at a social gathering, or I paid a lot for it. My problem was/is not with sweets, but rather savory and high caloric content; pork belly, red meat, sticky rice, chinese, noodles, and the list goes on.

What do I want – I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel great and energized, not only psychologically, but physically. I have a young son that I want to watch grow up for a very very long time, and to add to that even, I want more children so I need to be in the best shape possible to do so. Quite honestly, I also want my husband to be proud, and not just proud of my accomplishments, but in truth, proud to have a beautiful wife. I know that weight and size do not signify beauty – and I’m not advocating that at all, but I think as a woman, it is a standard that we personally hold in the back of our mind to have our significant other not just emotionally attracted to us, but also physically – at least that’s something that’s important to me. I don’t ever want that to change.

Refocus and present mentality – failure is not an option. I now know that fast results will not and has never gotten me anywhere. Fasting and starvation is not a strategy nor a goal. Everyday I’m continue to  learn what it means to make a “lifestyle” change. Numbers (of any sort) do not matter to me nor do fit expert rules and guidelines. I’ve come to accept that I’m going to need to start with baby steps and slow progression, to really learn and understand how my body responds and what works best for me. I do not believe in depriving myself, because I want to be as realistic as possible. I want to get healthy, not stop living – so I also know that I’m going to need to practice “moderation,” after all, food is life.  I will no longer make it a necessity to sweat for hours on the treadmill, because this very rule has been the #1 factor that’s lead to failure in the past. I’m also factoring in that I am first a mother, a wife, and a daughter, things will come up, my routine and plans won’t always work out, but it’s OKAY. 1 day off track here and there is not going to put a dent in a life time goal. If 15 minutes is all I can fit in, I will count it as a successful effort and move on! So often we forget to actually “live” and maintain our other priorities when we set our mind to a particular project or movement in our life.

Up close and personal – The section that most people will probably only pay attention to 🙂

Today’s measurements (I am 5ft)

Bust – 43 1/2

Arm – 11 3/4

Waist – 38 7/8

Belly (aka the tire) – 41 1/2

Thighs – 20 1/4

Okay – you gotta give me some props here. I thought very long and hard about posting these pictures, knowing how cruel people can be, lurking friends from afar  J . However, at the end of the day, I know that I can’t escape from the ugly truth, it is what it is, bad or good. This is not for them. This is for me and for anyone and everyone rocking the same boat, sharing these same struggles.

Me at a moderately healthier weight

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At my thinnest, right before I met my husband

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In 2007 newly weds

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2009 2nd pregnancy pregnant with my son (I believe)

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Celebrating my 30th birthday a couple years ago 🙂

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The ugly truth – last month at my parent’s retirement party

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I’m not here to lecture or teach anyone or anything. I’m simply reflecting, and holding myself accountable while sharing this little piece of my journey with anyone who’s willing to listen. Thank you so much for reading. Until next time – Stay strong!

– Cyndie –

 

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