Photo courtesy of The Modern Girl blog
Hello and welcome back to another Tea Tuesday. Today we’re pulling out and dissecting some old schools of thought. Traditional, old fashion ways of thinking that’s been bleeding from one generation to the next. These are teachings, practices, and misconceptions that will stay stagnant until as a community we come together to re-evaluate the validity of its existence and purpose. I’m sure that at the end of the day we will find that most of these beliefs and bylaws were once created by a congregation of very misogynistic and insecure men. Sadly, I’m sure the only realistic way to make it go away is to wait out the population that enforces and encourages these behaviors that are otherwise deemed rightful.
Hypocrite – someone who conveniently forgets their faults to point out someone else’s
Someone once cowardly pointed out that my husband is the epitome of what a MAN isn’t, a failure, because he allows me to step all over him. How he came to that conclusion, I’m clearly as lost as you, but as a witness to that insult I was slow to react and quick to calculate. Only a weak man can be foolish enough to openly insult another man, judge another man, let alone judge his wife. And we’ll begin here, we’ll come back to him later. So what is it about a strong woman that men fear? You see, we are part of a unique and beautiful, yet very destructive and unhealthy culture. We respect our elders, we have deeply rooted traditions from courtship to every part of the miracle of life all the way to the very end of life. However, we are a people that has a lot of very one sided taboos. On the other end of the spectrum, we’re taught to respect our elders, even to a fault. We’ll talk about hierarchy down the line. To continue, men have more rights than women. Sons have more privileges than daughters. Daughters only empower others (ntxhais tsuas mus zoo saum luag), thus why she is left to collect the shame. Sons carry on legacies. Men should always eat first. Women should always obey. A women belongs to her family only for a brief time in her life. A woman’s true family is her husband’s family. She needs to love his family more than hers. And ultimately, men should never show love because it is a sign of weakness and women should never question because it is a sign of disobedience – and on the list goes.
We are a people that preaches respect but practices ridicule. Why do I say this? In Western culture, when someone needs help or asks for help, that help is offered, resources are provided or referred and that help is either genuine or it just isn’t offered. It’s very much black and white. In our culture, you’re damned if you ask for help, and you’re damned if you don’t ask for help. It only goes 1 of 2 ways. If you muster up the courage to ask for help, almost 10/10 times you’re given a history lesson first among other insults and ridicules of how you to-no-surprise ended up at their feet in the present. And even then, it is expected that you take on this ridicule without resentment and you go in with your best proposition and attitude (it is in a sense, a trial within itself). When I say help, I’m never referring to mundane, everyday tasks. Our culture thrives on ceremonies and feasts and celebrations. The types of events that really can’t be executed without 1). community/elderly help or 2). money. And even when you have money, it’s still complicated. It’s a level of complex I need not dive into right now. But on the contrary, God forbid you should power through that work without asking for any help, you’re instantly labeled as the know-it-all. Everyone will stand aside with arms crossed and whisper “let’s watch them fall”. And once you go helpless, you better believe you’ll never be able to easily ask for help again because of the audacity you had in doing it on your own before would be used against you. Yet, these people are your family. Which is why this is so essential to mention. It would make sense if I was referring to strangers right, but I’m not. Family, a significance that our culture emphasizes. It’s why we live in clusters, right? A clan is a clan because they physically stick together. But how comical is it that we can preach one thing to our young and contradict that very teaching when it’s convenient for us?
We are also a people that hold grudges and counts debt. Good debt, bad debt, all debts. What do I mean exactly? There is a general rule of thumb that you’re only as valuable as the amount of goods, riches, and labor you pay forth. How many times have you heard the phrase “we have to go out and help or they won’t come help us“? Unfortunately, there is no score keeper which makes it an unfair game, or practice, if you want to use the correct terminology. And here’s where you can see more of our one sided taboos. There are some people who actually don’t contribute, at all, but know how to make a grand entrance wherever they go. That or their uppity status has been grandfathered in. Either way, this buys them a free spot on the hierarchy; friendship, favoritism, help, praise, and many more. They’re pretty much untouchable. There are a couple of these in each clan. Truth is, at the end of the day, this general rule of thumb doesn’t really exist. It’s something we use to keep people like you and me working harder and angrier without any value or appreciation. It’s to make us think that we haven’t earned our place yet so we should work HARDER, when really, it’s a lottery system, plucked and primed. There is a definite hierarchy in our culture and like all universal power, corruption begins from the top and trickles down. If you’ve been pegged as someone unworthy in your clan, your efforts will always go unnoticed, your presence will never be counted and your labor and money will be taken as much as you’re willing to offer it. And lets not forget about generational debt, it is grandfathered into your blood as well. Something your ancestor did, let me rephrase, something your clan or someone in your clan did centuries ago will be used against you. There is no statute of limitations. Some are absolved through money and some tear families further apart. I speak from personal experience and I speak from observation. This happens in EVERY SINGLE CLAN. My husband was told once “you and your wife never come out when we ask you to, you already have 1 strike, 3 strikes and you won’t be getting a fourth invite”. I kid you not, this was exactly what was said. Let me apply the analogy to help you understand the grander picture. This host is someone we don’t frequent, we don’t meet up at bars and clubs, we don’t do football Sundays, we don’t do backyard barbecues, and my husband is not part of the boy’s club, if there was one, so essentially, we are never invited for quality time, we are invited by default when there is real work to be done. Do you think this same thing would have been said to the other guy who missed an event once or twice but comes to football Sundays? This is a fine example for a fairly younger generation but the same concept can be applied for two families or men in their 50’s. The behavior, the corruption, the expectation and the insults are all the same.
We are also a people that embraces leadership. Yes, thanks to our famous beloved general who led our people to freedom. So why is it that after so much time has passed our people have managed to only be led by 1 person and none to succeed him? Why is it that we have a rising trend in clan leaders, regional leaders, and even national leaders yet I can’t seem to find a solid evidence of community focused projects and pivotal changes? What I’ve managed to gather is that we are a people with leaders who know how to throw mediocre parties and fundraisers with no profound outcome to benefit anyone? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not criticizing. I’m simply raising a question and rightfully so because this is a practice or sought-after role that seems to still govern or impact me to some extent. Of course, I can’t confine this behavior to our people alone. I completely understand that in the real world of politics, these are the same behaviors, only, I’d like to believe that real politicians leave their political tyranny in the workplace. Even so, there’s at least some very solid evidence that public changes have come out of all their extravagant galas, charities and time playing politician. It’s their career and not their way of life per se. And I think that’s where the biggest difference lies. We have a very backwards thinking of success among our people. People who work hard, earn money and provide for their family and live quiet lives are not considered an ideal model in our culture. They’re actually the people no one speaks of.
This leads me full circle back to my first soap box, the insulting coward. This same person also took on the liberty to dictate that “You need to bring your wife around more often, she needs to earn her place. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you”. So let me piggy back off of what I’ve already said and add in “earning your place” in our society. When your status is not grandfathered in and you’re not respectfully invited to gatherings, family functions, and events, the expectation is that you invite yourself. Our people has a tendency of inviting ourselves and adding a plus 1 or plus 12. I’m not kidding. Unfortunately, neither my husband or myself am fond of this practice. It’s not that we hold ourselves to a higher standard or that we expect a cordial invite, but any invite, verbal or text would suffice. It’s only appropriate. We just can’t stomach that kind of boldness – self invitation. I can’t begin to tell you how many times someone has told me that I don’t attend enough family functions, and when I inquire if they’ve specifically invited me they would say no because they don’t have my husband’s or my number. And even then, they’ll find a way to make us the bad guys. No one knows our numbers because we don’t go out to HELP enough. You see, it’s a vicious cycle. But that’s just it, it has nothing to do with us. At the end of the day, the judgments that are passed come from people who don’t hold themselves accountable and probably feel guilty for excluding you and needs to compensate for that behavior somehow by turning the blame on you. And here’s another example, I had a relative tell me, when I unexpectedly bumped into him at an event, “Sorry, we didn’t invite you guys, we figured you guys were working and wouldn’t come anyways, but please stop by if you’re able to”. Now he only extended this to us because he was reminding the people at this event to stop by his house for his daughter’s hu plig. My issue is not receiving an invitation, it never is. My issue actually is with the repercussions I continue to have to pay for because of the way other people treat me. As an adult, you’re free to extend your invitations to anyone, so when as an ADULT you choose not to extend one to me, please stop playing the victim and blaming game. Please don’t try to shake your fingers at others to justify the way you exclude them.
To continue….”You let your wife run the show” he says. What he actually said was “Koj nyob under koj tus poj niam xwb”. My husband works hard. He is one of the hardest working people I know next to my parents. Our family is his first priority and rightfully so. Is your family yours? I have a college degree and have worked my butt off to get to where I am, to get to where we are today. So you bet I run a tight ship! I handle anything legal, medical, and educational that comes through because it’s my strong suite. It’s the same reason why I don’t fix our cars, and it’s the same reason why you don’t sew, cook, or do the dishes, I assume. We all have responsibilities, and as humans we have strengths and weaknesses. That’s why as partners, we compensate for what the other lacks, but I don’t expect you to understand that, because you must run your household, do all the work and make all the decisions right? No one knows our struggles and the trials we’ve undergone. No one has ever bared any of it with us. We live a very quiet life and we are happy. Sadly, you have mistaken our quiet life and my husband’s love and respect for me as manipulation into an unhappy marriage. It’s quite unfortunate you see, because most people would be proud of a man who takes care of his family and does not rely on anyone else. I’m not sure why men start to panic when they see other men treating their women well. When a man doesn’t exert enough misogynistic patterns, the first instinct is to insinuate that he’s not man enough. When people don’t get their way, they tend to assume that the barrier is a manipulative spouse/woman. We live in the 21st century where I can’t control your actions and you can’t control mine. I can’t force you to make a decision and vice versus, even as spouses. Which also means we don’t live in a society where we need your permission and input on how to manage our marriage. I can only come up with one solution as to why someone would be so vile and discontent especially when they’re not apart of our marriage. Men who judge other men, and men who judge other men’s wives, and men who judge other people’s marriages probably come from the most unhealthy marriages themselves. They’re either a manipulative, abusive tyrant, or they are the submissive one behind closed doors thus having to lash out at others who seem to be sailing through life. And because I know this much, I haven’t taken the time to call you out on your very public outburst. And the biggest irony here is that we are a people who believe men think before they speak and calculate before they act. We are a people who shut women out because they speak too much and with emotion not with their intelligent minds. So before we insult someone may we take a good look at ourselves in the mirror first and if that still doesn’t stop you, try looking again. And before we insult someone may we never mistakenly hand over ammunition for them to use against us. But as a good rule of thumb, remember that in all things we do, we may not fear those we inflict pain on, but may we fear our maker and the judgment he brings.
As always, thank you for sitting through another Tea session with me. See you on the next one
Sweetrowyn 