Hello and welcome back to another blog. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, but here I am, staying committed to posting at least once a year. I hope this blog finds you well and that you’ve started your year with nothing but gratitude and with the best intentions. I thought I’d start off by sharing one of my favorite quotes:
“Every situation in life is temporary. So, when life is good, make sure you enjoy and receive it fully. And when life is not good, remember that it will not last forever and better days are on the way.”
This post has seen about 100 revisions over the last couple of months, believe it or not. When I was able to escape from the daily chaos, my mind was completely fluid with no capacity left for any constructive thinking and when I was completely lucid, time unfortunately wasn’t on my side. Before I knew it, October turned into December and the rest of the world was already wrapping up and preparing for the new year. I could’ve turned this into a list of “commitments and resolutions” to make it easier on myself but even then, I wasn’t making any momentum in accomplishing that task either so it would’ve been an even bigger fail at that point. Nonetheless what’s probably more important to mention is that this may be the one year I focus on being intentional instead rather than checking off a superficial to-do list anyway.
So much has changed in my life and in such a short amount of time that I’ve been unable to adequately process anything. Somewhere along those foggy thoughts I realized that this is going to be a year unlike any other. Ironic how we can anticipate for something our whole lives but when it’s right in front of us we have absolutely no idea how to take it in. That’s been me in the last few months, completely unaware that I’ve been living the life I once prayed so desperately for. A whole new era had already begun to unfold, and I’d been so oblivious.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been resilient and hopelessly trying to have children and to build a family. But the only era I ever knew was the one filled with broken dreams and empty cradles. As you can imagine, the repetition of disappointments and ever lingering grief has made it a challenge to be anything but cynical. For sure it’s failed to prepare me for all the blessings that’s come into my life currently. If I can be honest, it hasn’t been easy taking joy in something as simple as holding my daughter in my lap and watching an episode of Ms. Rachel. My anxiety always ends up getting the best of me, and I rush through most days instead of trying to make it meaningful. When truly, if someone were to have told me 3 years ago that this would be my stressor today, I would’ve graciously accepted the challenge with open arms. Oh, how I would’ve given anything for motherhood woes and sleepless nights back then. I never thought a time would come where I’d ever forget those painful days.
Alas, here we are. Being a mother of a teenager and 2 under 2 has been the most challenging and fulfilling experience of my life, amid the dirty diapers, bottle feedings, and soiled laundry. It’s been more than I could ever ask for. At the end of a strenuous day, as relieved as I am for bedtime, my heart’s so content getting to sleep next to little feet at my side and to hear subtle snores coming from a tiny little human recouping and recharging for her next adventure. Motherhood has been extremely exhausting, but it’s been the truest testament to the journey I’ve traveled. Hard to believe that not so long ago I was still going to bed heartbroken and in tears. There isn’t anything in this world that could ever amount to my longing to have children. It wasn’t just about a want or desire for me, it was deprivation of a divine right, and a vicious reminder of weakness and inferiority that was a constant public humiliation. In life, whether it’s work, money, character or even status, the sky is the limit. They say if there’s a will there’s a way, but when it comes to childbearing, there’s no plan of action in this world that could ever be put into place to oppose mother nature. Which is why when I look back and see on how far I’ve come, there’s no truer depiction of “sacrifice.” It has literally taken blood, sweat and tears to finally get here and to be able to close this chapter of my life.
With that said, I wish there was a better way to convey just how overjoyed and complete I feel. I’m not saying I haven’t been happy in the last 12 years. My oldest was my first love and it was him that made me a MOTHER, the greatest gift of all, so I fully acknowledge and understand that that is more privilege than some people could ever ask for, I truly do. Having more children wasn’t just self-fulfillment, it was about giving my son a well-balanced life with rich experiences and I truly believed that that wouldn’t be possible without lifelong companionship. Now that that’s finally come to fruition, you can imagine how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So much of my life, OUR life, was put on hold because I couldn’t move forward without “checking” this off my list, as superficial as that sounds.
So what does the next chapter look like and how do I make the most of this era? For starters, I’m working on being intentional in this new phase of my life, positively and ambitiously. I’m making peace with the woes of parenthood and am working tirelessly hard to best navigate this new norm. I’m no longer the person that I used to be, not when I married my husband or even when I had my first born. Because of that, I can only imagine how much honesty and forgiveness it’s going to take to shape this next journey. Success will lie heavily upon my ability and willingness to be open and vulnerable to the truths that lie within myself.
You know the saying “when it rains it pours” well that’s exactly how my life has been. I’ve wanted to grow my family for so long and have worked equally just as hard to advance in my career, but both never took off. They just kept plateauing (the same could be said about my weight but that’s another blog). When I had Heartley I was still working remotely, so the anxiety and stress was manageable – enough to convince me to take a leap of faith to apply for my current job and move out of my comfort zone. Low and behold I found out about Lynkin’s surprise pregnancy the same week I was offered the job! CRAZY ISN’T IT?! As tied as my hands were, my husband and I both agreed that the tradeoff would be more bountiful than to not take the risk. So, here I am, almost a year later still suffering those consequences. To be fair, it’s not as bad as it physically feels or sounds because this job has thankfully allowed us to accommodate to our growing family. Sure, it can be demanding and may not offer the same conveniences of working from home but it does have it’s own flexibilities and perks.
I’ve been fortunate most of my career to have been in roles that gave me a comfortable work-life balance. For a long time I worked very early hours and ended my days before 3 allowing me to tend to the house and my then “only child” with enough time left over for myself. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about life lately. The guilt that has been bottling up inside is nothing less than brutal and shows no signs of letting up. I’m unable to effectively devote any time and attention to anyone or anything. I want to bond with my babies so much but as soon as I get home, I rush to get dinner ready. I’ve tried meal planning to give back some time into the week but by the end of the day, I have very little energy left to be a playful mom. Any residual effort is then reserved for a curious little toddler and a clingy infant which ultimately leaves out my teenager who is perhaps the one person that’s suffered the most from all these new life adjustments. Then there’s my husband, as soon as he wakes up for his day (night), he’s also trying to have dinner and to get ready for work. By this time, I’m rushing to fit in a bath and hopefully get the kids ready for bed as well. It almost always ends up looking and feeling like a circus every evening in our house, a vicious cycle that sometimes even rolls over into the weekends due to my husband’s schedule.
I’ve definitely done my share of crying and screaming but have learned and continue to learn that that doesn’t solve anything or help anyone. The issue is probably that I’m not doing a good job identifying and prioritizing the non-negotiables in my life. My house is a mess from top to bottom and the laundry continues to pile up, but it’s hard to tell myself that all of that can be put aside. I’m trying my very best and if my best still looks like carnage, I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. I grew up watching my own Mom do that to herself. She was so selfless and so relentless but now I’m finally hearing her say that it wasn’t worth it. Stress and childbearing alone have aged me tremendously, so adding physical torment to that will only speed up the process. I need to create clearer boundaries and stopping points unlike my Mom. I’m going to learn to advocate and take better care of myself with reminders that my kids won’t be this little forever. They’re eventually going to grow wings and find their independence one day. As hard as it is to see right now, these will someday become the good old days, the simpler and carefree days. History has taught us that all too well.
Now, transitioning on to the more uncomfortable side of change. To say I have a lot of healing to do is an understatement. Prior to getting here, there was a time when I shamefully succumbed to my despair and chose to channel my inner demon. Looking back on those darker days, it feels like I traded my soul to bring my children into this world. Sometimes I wonder whether forgiveness is a redemption or a sign of self-leniency. I still don’t have the answer to that question, but what I do know is that I’ve created a trail of reprehensible destruction and I’ll have to take responsibility to put to rest the inferno I’ve conjured.
Just like how you don’t come back the same person after giving birth, surviving the journey has transformed me as well. Simply put, my pregnancies are challenged with unexplained mental instability. Just to put things into perspective for you, I’ve been pregnant back to back to back with 1 loss in the last 3 years. That sums up to 1 mental breakdown after another without any recovery time. As much as I want to forget the events that transpired and to move on, I know that in doing so I’d just be creating another symptom for a crisis down the road. This isn’t the first time I’ve attempted to sunset this fire that’s been burning for years. Try as I may, I’ve failed miserably. Forgiveness, however, has been the one thing I know deep down in my heart that I haven’t intentionally owned, probably because for a long time now I’ve been unable to decipher whether it was myself or someone else that needed forgiving. While I continue to toggle that thought I’m also having to face the other root to my problems. Once I make that an intentional effort, perhaps that’s all the closure I’ll need.
Regardless of what I show, and what anyone else see’s and thinks they know, I have a dangerously low self-esteem. By trade, I know that self-awareness is the first step to driving change so even if there are definite contributing factors and triggers, no one owns my thoughts but me so I need to be held accountable to that. In the last couple of months while I’ve been post-partum and recovering, I’ve worked extremely hard to do positive self-affirmations like acknowledging that I’ve defied the odds of mother nature. That is no small achievement, and as a matter of fact there shouldn’t be a single thing in this world that I can’t overcome after that.
All situations in life are a part of a domino effect that stems from a single choice or act, always. As much as I want to deny it, I know exactly how I got myself here. My body dysmorphia for example is a driver that feeds my negative mindset, but after further dissection it’s nothing more than the consequences of making poor lifestyle choices. I knew that having children in my late 30’s meant giving up my body which would serve as a major challenge but I had no idea it would be at this extent. I’m learning very quickly how much more mental strength it’s going to take to get through this fraction of forgiveness and self-care than any physical strength ever could. Every day I’m working on how to be kinder to myself while ensuring that I still stay accountable. When I say I absolutely cannot make time in my schedule for a workout, I honestly can’t. I’ve tried every scenario possible and each time the unknown variable is my very cute but very needy babies. The last routine I opted for was a 4am workout and I’ve been hitting this goal 25% of the time. If my alarm doesn’t wake up my kids then half of the time they’re waking up by themselves anyway. Just this morning, less than 10 minutes into my warm-up, I found myself locking eyes with my daughter who greeted me with smiles and claps followed shortly by her brother demanding for a bottle. I was slightly irritated at first but as I fed my son and my daughter played by my side quietly, it was all too sweet not to smile off the frustration. They’re so innocent, so happy, and so oblivious to the fact that I had made self-care plans. They were just ready to start their day. There was nothing else to do at that point but to give myself a pat on the back and acknowledge that I made a great attempt and I’ll try again tomorrow. It’s not the end of the world.
Is it starting to make sense now why forgiveness and honesty is more important than ever? My hope is that if I’m kind enough to myself I’ll eventually be able to curate a healthier and more sustainable environment and lifestyle to surround myself and my children in. Like peeling back the layers of an onion, if I learn how to let go of and forgive the simpler things that bring me down perhaps one day I’ll be strong enough to let go of everything else that has broken me.
Although this blog had no core content that would resonate with any reader, it was therapeutic to bring a little bit of visibility to my thoughts, past, present and future. I needed a place to process, and it just happened to be here, on this blog. I’m a MOTHER. Perhaps my only message out of this is that that’s been my biggest JOY and ACHIEVEMENT. I’m so excited and look forward to creating beautiful memories with my children and to watch them grow into amazing human beings.
On that note, I sincerely hope that HAPPINESS is what you’ve gathered in between the lines – because everything else is merely white noise. I wish nothing more than for you to experience the unmeasurable happiness beating in my heart, at least once, if not always. That’s how much having my children means to me.
Lastly, before I end this blog, whatever you have committed yourself to, whether publicly or privately, I hope you truly manifest it this year. Just as I’m allowing myself such grace, when you find yourself falling short and sorely defeated, remember to be kind to yourself enough to seek for forgiveness. Life is short, so we all deserve that. Thank you for reading, see you on the next one.
Sweetrowyn 